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| i dreamt that you wanted me back.
i couldn't do it. | | |
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i have begun to simply exist. i don't really live anymore.
you ruined me.
no, that's not really fair. i let you ruin me.
i allowed you to infiltrate my life completely. i got carried away. all that i knew was my life with you, and now that you're gone, i'm lost.
how can i not feel abandoned? i trusted you, and you left me at the drop of a hat.
none of this is your fault.
i bring it all upon myself.
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| and i never feel more lonely than when you tell me that you love me.
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| its time i write this out.
it is obvious that during the past year(ish) i have moved away from the christian faith i grew up with. i feel like i need to explain the reasons for this, for others, but also greatly for myself.
when i was young, christianity and god and jesus just were. in my home it was never a question; i grew up learning that christianity was fact. there is nothing wrong with that. my parents are christians and obviously my parents raised my sister and me to have christian values and beliefs. because i grew up learning the faith as fact and complete truth it felt more like a school subject. christianity didn't mean anything to me.
as i got older i was able to start seeing christianity as more than a religion. when i realized that christianity is about having a loving relationship with god, it all felt so new. i wanted nothing more than to dive deep into a relationship with this loving god. i wanted to feel him and know him. for years i yearned for god. but he never came to me. i remember nights when i would lay in bed crying and praying to god, begging him to be with me. i begged him to let me have the relationship with him that so many others claimed to have. but he never came to me.
i don't understand it still. maybe its my fault; maybe i did something wrong. i don't know. all i know is that those few years left me feeling abandoned and confused. i now doubt that there is a god. at least a christian god... maybe there is a god who isn't actually involved in our lives, maybe he is just around, watching. but if there is a christian god, i am angry and i am bitter towards him. why would he deny me when he says he denies no one? why would a god who is love leave me alone and confused? and if he is real and he did leave me... fuck him. i don't want to know a god who would do that.
all in all, i am still open to everything. but at this point, i am confused and hurt. i don't believe in anything and that is what works for me right now. | | |
|  how do i always find ways to fuck things up when i have already completely fucked them up before hand?
my parents have the best intentions, and i thank them for that, but damn, they know how to make me feel like a pile of shit.
i hate myself tonight.
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